Dearest God,
July 23, 2007
A follow up to my previous Dear God, post:
Disclaimer: This is not a mockery of my God.. This is the way we communicate.. We are close that way.. I’m no Joan of Arc.. But I sometimes like speaking my mind to others.. even God.. and if you can’t handle that I’m writing a letter to God or how I chose to express myself toward God.. then don’t read on… and no hate comments.. mo nagi9ny o maly khulg.. Just deal with it..
It’s been a while since I last wrote you.. Ironic actually.. coz I have no faith today.. I have no spirit.. I have no compassion or sensation of any sort.. I feel numb.. I feel empty.. hollow..
My chest hurts.. I have that sinking feeling right at the core of me.. I’m embracing the pain.. it’s strangely keeping me company.. I keep losing my breathe trying to hold back my tears, all choked up.. I keep gasping for air and my lungs are tired.. the pain is tickling me all through to the back of my lungs.. I can feel them expanding and it feels like I am compressing on a sore bruise with every inhale.. my shoulders are heavy.. my knees are weak.. my nails hurt.. yes my nails hurt..
How powerful you are.. you even make my tiny nails hurt when I am sad..
Sad.. is that what I am today ? I’m in such a blur.. how powerful you are to take him away.. yet you leave his memory to linger at my very existence with every day the past 2 years..
It’s been 2 years.. he woulda been 29 now.. young and full of life.. 2 years of waiting, waiting for what I don’t know.. maybe I was waiting for reality to sink in.. maybe I was waiting to forget.. mostly I think I was waiting for him to come back.. or to meet him in anyway possible.. no matter what the odds..
how powerful you are to make me hurt so much.. enough.. watching his last breath was more than enough.. my own flesh and blood.. the closest person to me.. my mentor and guild in this world since the day I was born.. you took away my brother.. you took away a huge part of.. can’t you see how hollow I am.. I beg you enough.. let me be..
I miss him..
so much..
a day never passes without the thought of him..
My eyes are sore.. my voice is hurt.. Curse’d this week curse’d this week.. I hate it.. I hate it !!
Love,
D.
July 23, 2007 at 3:23 am
There is nothing wrong about writing a letter to god. I would be lying if I said i knew how you feel, but I am sure it is very painful. May he rest in peace nshala.
July 23, 2007 at 6:46 am
3atham allah ajrech. May he be in a more wonderful place right now. Keep praying and doing what you do, May Allah ease your sorrows.
July 23, 2007 at 9:33 am
alah yer7ama.. it is difficult, Praying for him can only help him. Inshalla alah esa3dich.
July 23, 2007 at 2:27 pm
Pray for him.. He’s in a better place now, inshallah. I’m out of words, really.. :(
July 23, 2007 at 3:03 pm
i hear you sister.. 20 years passed and it still feels like yesterday, actually it feels as if it happened today.
One thing really helped me is to do things under his name, i realized every time i do something for him i feel him around me, i dream of him on every single night were things were done for him..
Now tears don’t come out as much, his name, his memory brings me happiness instead of grief.
You will find your own way to make him surround you. This pain is just a way to it.
July 23, 2007 at 4:04 pm
the pain never goes away
it never leaves
it becomes a part of who u are, even when ur happy
it lingers in the back of your eyes
its ok to miss him
its ok to be mad at everyone and everything
yes including god
but believe me, ur faith in god, in the afterlife, your belief that some day somehow you are going to be together again
it makes it just a little better
you will never forget
but remeber he does see you
hang in there
<—HUG
July 23, 2007 at 5:06 pm
Thank you all for the support.. I just needed to let out some steam..
Your kind words are much apreciated and I’m grateful for your remarks.
Hasan.B & eshda3wa welcome to my online space.. sorry for the dark mood..
July 23, 2007 at 7:10 pm
I love you and God loves you. Always remember he loves all his children no matter what.
*Big Hug*
July 23, 2007 at 11:43 pm
Time heals all wounds… :)
July 24, 2007 at 4:30 pm
across the years i’ve lost a few good friends and family members.
it’s never an easy thing, only thing i can say at this point is 3atham allah ajrech and keep praying for him. he’s in a far better place now.
August 22, 2007 at 3:36 pm
ra7mat allah 3alih, rabby yer7emah o yaghfirlah inshallah… id3eelah sis